im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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