I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize