You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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