Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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