I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
