You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
