my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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