I wish I only lived at night.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
