I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
