and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
