singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
