By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
