I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
