I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
