Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
