I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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