I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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