Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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