i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
