I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
