Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
