just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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