i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
