I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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