Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
