hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
