my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
