Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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