hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
