I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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