so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
