Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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