guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
