Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
