why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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