dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize