Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
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