I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
4 words: hood of his car
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
