every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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