i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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