Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
