the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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