i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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