Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
