Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
