My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
