The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
