if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
