He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
