There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
COCAINE IS GR8
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
