DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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