Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
