The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
