Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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