If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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